From the Tongue-in-Cheek Department of Spy Briefing Books
Houston, TX — Police in Houston, Texas, recently charged a 10-year-old girl with aggravated sexual assault. The victim was a 4-year-old boy. The girl had been caught playing doctor with the boy. It is the second such case to be reported in Houston in only a few months.
“It just goes to show,” declared the prosecutor, “that the law is the same for everybody. Female rapists cannot be treated differently than male ones. In fact, we have zero tolerance for sexual crimes and for anything else in life.”
Following standard operating procedures, the Houston Police Department sent its SWAT team to arrest the young rapist. The heavily armed officers arrived in a tank financed by a subsidy from the Department of Homeland Security. As the child suspect was crying uncontrollably and running away, three men tackled and handcuffed her.
Responding to mute criticism, a police spokesman said, “We did it very gently. She could have been Tasered or worse.” The chief of police added that it would have been much worse if they had instead called the Department of Education’s SWAT team. Moreover, the Houston police SWAT team did not shut down the neighborhood and conduct house-to-house searches like they did in Boston. “How many police officers does it take to destroy a 10-year-old’s life?” asked a neighbor, who did not want to be identified, for understandable reasons.
After her arrest, the young sex offender was subjected to the standard police interrogation, which her mother was barred from attending. Rumors are that the girl admitted playing urologist, claiming she wanted to become a doctorwhen she grows up. Subsequently, the police held her in jail for four days.
“This is the price we have to pay to live in a free society,” declared the suspect’s mother, “but I sometimes wonder if the price is too high.” An uncle of the boy, who is among the few Marines still serving in Iraq, commented that “this is why we are here, to defend freedom.”
When asked about the incident in a White House press conference, a spokesman for the administration said he couldn’t comment because the case was ongoing. He added that president made the following comment: “She could not have been my daughter. Both of them were under Secret Service surveillance at the time of the crime.”
The young rapist will be tried for aggravated rape. Should she be found guilty, she will be put on the sex offender registry for the rest of her life. Once she is on the sex-offender registry, most state laws will prevent her from being within 500-1,000 feet of a school or any other place where children congregate. As one social worker awkwardly noted, “This may somewhat interfere with her education.”
Everybody is eagerly awaiting the victim’s testimony in court. As for the suspect, she might take the Fifth, which would be an irony since her victim only got the filth.
Asked whether this could emotionally scar the 10-year-old for life, a spokesman of the Houston Police Department answered: “If you call this ‘scarring,’ then bring on the scars! That’s what we’ll need to keep these criminals off the street. The girl broke the law, and as an American, she has to learn that the rule of law applies to everybody.”
A few dissidents disagree. As one local libertarian known for his eccentricity and dyslexia put it, “This looks more like the lure of raw than the rule of law.”
The police, however, remained very respectful of the child’s privacy. “We won’t comment further,” the spokesman said, “due to the suspect’s age.”
Meanwhile, the local prosecutor says he is pondering whether or not to add a charge of practicing medicine without a license. Some dissidents have related this incident to the ongoing saga surrounding the Affordable Care Act. They’re asking why President Obama, the nation’s new doctor-in-chief, hasn’t been arrested yet.
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